i feel great and i mightve lost some weight
holliday hill is on friday and i need to look skinny for that day lol
im so excited :D
i might be getting my haircut today :)
i still like R
LOL
its scary because i never rewanted to like him but i just did
and when i think ive finally stopped liking him, my feelings for him always come back
and like even when hes hitting me and stuff i actually
its weird and i dont know why i feel this way
even though i am the type of person that would say "if u like him, tell him how u feel"
but with him its so different
because even if what friends say is true about him liking me, he'll never admit it and i know it.
besides he's starting to give me dirty looks (which i give him too. lol) when we pass by eachother in class and i honestly dont know whats going through his head but i know i could never let him know how i feel.
like each day i just wonder what will happen next
omg i sound so obsessed right now and im NOT lol
but it feels good to finally let it out!
at least i didnt eat breakfast
i havent been feeling like myself lately.
like usually im wild and crazy and happy
like i feel happy but its like its not like before
i feel like im losing myself again
ive been hearing people talking about me a lot at school today
i dont know what a lot of them were saying but i really dont care
as long as their talking about me, im happy! lol
i really want to lose 10 pounds before graduation so im definately not binging anytime soon
lol
i WILL be skinny and i would love to hear WHAT those bitches have to say when i am
my bff tells me im skinny but that doesnt mean a thing to me! she doesnt know what skinny is so i really dont care what she says anymore.lol
a few days ago, my friend N told me that someone told her she eard me puking in the bathroom and asked me if i was okay. she wouldnt mention her name but i already knew who it was.
i just lied and said i felt nautious. lol
i need this!
thank u gossipmonster
<33
lol thats my word!
i measured myself this morning and i found out my waist is the same size as hers
gosh tall ppl are so lucky
lol
i was doing great today and then i binged when i got home. even my mom was telling me i was eating too much chocolate
im soo fat!
i feel like im letting people get he best of me and they want me to fail!
i need to pull myself together!
omg and yesterday, J told me that R said he was going to ask me out.
im like "wtf? no he didnt!"
and she's like "yes he did"
and even after i said like a buzillion times that he wasnt, she kept saying he was.
she wasnt even laughing or anything and she's like
"just say yes, okay?"
but like i like him but like i dont think i could ever go out with him.
well maybe i could but i dont know...
well i still think shes kidding
i hope she is!
lol
- Music:i feel perfect-porcelain and the tramps
well i had an orchestra concert and we had to wear a white shirt with black pants
i tried on the shirt and it was huge on me
but i looked great in it (and skinny)
and since my dad can tailor, i gave him the shirt since it was supposed to have elastics around the waist
then i binged when i got home. im such a DUMBASS. idk y
and then when i tried it on, i looked SO fat in it
then i went bak home and started to cry.
i didnt feel like getting ready for the concert or anything (but i did anyways)
so after the concert was over, my mom just like starts yelling at me about...EVERYTHING
and then she tells me i never practice anything and im not good at dancing and stuff like that
like she says im not responsible and and i never try hard or take anything seriously
and shes been bothering me even after we got home
like im not perfect!
i know that but i hate hearing it from my mom, especially after binging just really sucks!
and i got a call from my guidance counselor so now my mom has to go talk to him
just the icing on my day!
hopefully tomorow will be better!
i felt so fat and so i started to exersize.
my legs looked so fat but my butt looked good in them =P
lol
but like i was upset throughout the entire bus ride.
amd then when i got to breakfast, C and T were talking about this chorus trip they went to.
they told me about this dancer that was super skinny and started to compare me to her.
they were saying things like u could see her bones and it looked really digusting and like if u put me next to her, she'd make me look FAT
i know they said that as a compliment but it just made me feel worse than i already did.
and idk why, but i actually went up and got breakfast and ate it. eww
but then i purged it right after homeroom.
oh and did i mention im on my period!
but like ive been losing a bit more blood than usual so thats good.
and when i got home, i noticed my legs look thinner than this morning
and i completely forgot about my jeans!
lol
and as the day went on, my friends managed to cheer me up
i love them soo much and idk what ill do without them
espacially next year!!!!
i dont wanna graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and since i couldnt "eat breakfast" at school, i had to eat at home.
so while she was in the bathroom, i took out the toaster to make it look like i ate.
when she came out, she asked me if if i ate so i obviously said yes.
but she didnt believe me so she actually felt the toaster to see if it it was hot (and it wasnt because i never turned it on!)
no matter how much she yelled at me, i never admited i didnt eat.
then she started screaming like a fucking mental woman!
then she made me eat a rice cake and had my sister watch me.
i was really upset about breaking my fast!!!!!!
my sister missed her bus too lol
but in the car, my mom said that she was going to tell my guidance counselor to have someone watch me about my eating during lunch time.
so i told a few of my bffs about my mom. they think the only reason why i dont eat at school is because i dont like wat the school serves for lunch. hahahaha
but i ate a pb&j sandwich for lunch just in case i was being watched
and then when i got home from school, i didnt raid the refrigerator like i usually do =)
but then i started binging after dinner
ughh. i was so stupid
lol
i promised myself i would do better today.
heres what i had so far:
skim milk
indian food (fish with something)
1 slice of bread with butter
1 slice of bread with mozzerella cheese
sugar free jello
now that i look at it, i know that there is so much more room for improvement
i could have not eaten the bread
im learning to not blow up on myself and learn from my mistakes
yay me =)
and at least i binge on the bread like i usually do.
and my stomach has been staying flat and i hope to keep it that way
im going to clean a little and get some excersize
i love how much im improving lol
<33
i heard that if u dont eat anything after ull end up puking
so far i havent eaten anything today. i just had a few cups of water.
my left middle finger is still swolen from school. lol
its doesnt hurt as much as it did before though
=(
today we went on another field trip
i was such a badass today lol
first it started out with wearing flip flops (were not allowed to wear them to school)
then on the bus to the field trip, i was flashing my boobs at people outside the window and i stuck my middle finger at the cops lol
i just realized i cant go on a day without doind something bad. lol
anyways, the field trip was to the high school ill be going to next year. the theatre groups were doing a bunch of plays which were really good. but then one of them was on suicide and then R said called my name and said something to me right before the play started. i forgot wat he said though. fucking son of a bitch! lol
oh and yesterday in language, we had to read a piece of our stories that wrote out loud to the class.
my story was about an anorexic girl and in one scene of the story, she starts to cut herself.
i read that scene out loud to the class and a lot of ppl said it was really good.
but R said that my story was very disturbing stuff like that
and then i heard him saying "oh i slice my arms and im fat"
oh well he can say watever he wants. i may not be perfect but im pretty happy with my life
ive been fighting a lot and now im happy with my life.
i still want to and need to lose weight but i know that thats not the only thing in life that matters
u can find ur self confidence in other things too and if u look on the bright side of things, life will be a lot better
this goes for anyone
xoxo
so now my mom has to go get it from the principal
she said that if i ever bring it to school again she's gonna delete all of my songs and keep it.
hahahah
but anyways, we went shopping since it was mothers day
i had some fish and chips at the food court.
they serve SO much! well at least my mom helped me finish them
oh and i got these cute shorts in a size xx-small at aeropostale =)
im so happy! ive never worn anything smaller than an xsmall at that store
hopefully those shorts will motivate me to stay thin!
lol
im going to fast tomorow
i need to make up for this weekend
we went to the movies so thats where it all started
i had popcorn, sour patch kids, M&Ms, chips, pizza, cake and gum
it was fun but it wouldve been better without the food
A is so lucky! she eats a lot and is soo skinny! but she weighs like 10 or 15 pounds more than me and is a few inches shorter than me
its weird
and on tuesday at lunch, her and J were insisting that i was skinnier than her! i know thats NOT true.
....maybe she's a little wider than me but her arms and legs are a lot smaller
today was hilarious! we kept thrwing things at eachother in class and almost got sent to the principal's office!
hahaha
so then C said it looked like he liked me
so then he was like "like who?"
so she was like "its called flirting"
we both just turned around
we didnt say anything mean to eachother or anything
and then he hit me with a book lol
and we started fighting all over again
anyways, about my eating
im starting to eat more
my mom is always on my case
why cant se just leave me alone!
fucking bitch!
im never going to be skinny at this rate!
mom called ahead of time and told me she was going to make french bread and soup
she's sooooooooooo ANNOYING!!
its proabably because my sister showed her my ana journal!
stupid bitch!
i looked skinny today at swimming!lol
its our last day anyways =(
im starting to feel that i should thank ana for making me look thin
i feel that by not eating i am thanking her and she will make look skinny and all i have to do to repay her is not eat
i lovee this feeling
i dont feel like she's taken over my life she has in my past years
i feel like she's my friend and she's making me happy as long as i make her happy
=)
hahahaha look at the i took of me in the girls locker room
i am one crazy little girl! lol
then i binged and now i feel disgustingly full
gosh this is so frustrating
im not eat anymore than 200 cals tomorow
and i was on the blueeeee teamm lol
i had blue hair, bue sweatshirt, blue heart on my cheek, blue eyeliner. lol
so basically u can guess why my font is blue =D
but i still have on my pink nail polish <33
lol
anyways heres what I had yesterday
cinnamon toast crunch- 90
milk - less than 100
Mexican Fajita Hot Pocket-240
=450 cals
What I had today
apple- 80 cals
orange- 80 cals
Mexican Fajita Hot Pocket-240
1 buffalo chicken breast thing-50
=450 cals
Ive been thinking I should start the abc diet again
Heyy i ate things that werent on my safe list lol
and thank you anorexic_witch and wot_is_life<33
if it werent for u two id probably be binging all week lol
i end up faking wut i eat and then actually binging when i get home
i hate that thing!
why cant everyone just leave me alone >:(
apples
grapes
clementines/tangerines/oranges
oatmeal
soup
salad
skim milk
- Music:my dirty little secret- all american rejects
~only EAT apples
~dont watch TV (it makes you hungry)
~dont use the computer unless i really have to like now lol
~Dont drink whole milk
~Dont eat anything, no matter what anyone anyone says.
Use any and every exuse you have to. JUST DONT EAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN APPLES
*remember that this isnt bad. at least u have something to eat. and you dont event deserve that
~get to 85 by Friday
~purge or burn off EVER extra calorie you take in
~listen to the good voice inside you and dont eat like the rest of the horrible society
- Music:cruella de vil- selena gomez haha
so after they finished their dance, we went to a Mexican restraunt with some of the other dancers and their families.
i didnt eat anything because I already binged before I got there.
so one of the girls' mom's said to me,"if only i had your willpower,"
and i said "what do u mean?"
and she was like"ur willpower to eat better."
andi just smiled and said "i dont have any willpower."
and then she just laughed
allot of ppl think i have perfect control of what i eat because i dont eat when im around them
but when im by myself at home i EAT
and then i feel like a hypocrit and feel guilty about and it shit and im going to stop that!!
this time i mean it
- Mood:determined
I weighed 93 pounds! On my home scale i was 89 and i actually lost weight.
Omg how muc did i weigh before that?
whatevs, im going to try to get to 85 asap.
and the nurse gave me a food log for this week. I'll just fake a bunch of stuff.hahaha
C still says it looks like were flirting. lol
and this boy, Q that sits next to me in P.A is always poking me and randomly stares at me.
then he'll be like omg i wanna fuck u.
and im like wtf and ill give him this wierd look. lol
and then after a while he'll go back to normal.
last year we used to be "best friends". He was the fakest peron i have ever met in my life.
but this year i dont talk to him that much. im still nice to him because i hate holding grudges and fighting with ppl
so my friend J said that he probably likes me.
and i said "proably because when i used to go out with B, Q would always come over and start talking to me everytime i was around B. and he also asked me to be his valentine on Valentines Day."
and so she said that she's going to find out tomorow if he really does like me.
lol
im getting my report card today and i know i saw my name on the honor roll list on the door outside my homeroom =)
i havent made honors in long time lol
omg i need to start my hmwk.
im turning into a nerd! lol
- Music:play with fire-hilary duff
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